In honor of all that's happened, I can think of no better way to close out this journal than to post the lyrics below.

Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look, here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh, how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide
Can't find yourself, lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

!!JOURNAL CLOSED!!

So we called & booked a mover. I'll be moving in with my sister officially on 11/27/06. I'll be sad to leave some of my old life behind, but for the most part I'm looking forward to the chance to start over.

Speaking of starting over, as I've kind reached a fork in the road in my life, I feel compelled to start a new journal. When I've actually created it, I'll send a message with my new ID. I'll also post an official closing post on here.

TTYL

I broke up with Deb tonight.
Even though it needed to be done, it still hurts like hell.

Forrest Gump and his mom were way off base.
Life ain't no freakin box of chocolates.
Litter box? Maybe. Seems more accurate. Get walked all over and shit on all day long...yeah, that's definitely closer than the chocolates.

It's sunny out today. It feels wrong. The world should be as dark, gray, and turbulent as my fucking life is. Maybe then I wouldn't notice how much things suck ass.

Fare thee well, my bright star
I watched your taillights blaze into nothingness
But you were long gone before I ever got to you
Before you blazed past this address

And now, I think of having loved and having lost
But never know what it's like to never love
Who can say what's better, and my heart's become the cost
A mere token of a brighter jewel sent from above

Fare thee well, my bright star
The vanity of youth, the color of your eyes
And maybe if I'd fanned the blazing fire of your day-to-day
Or if I'd been older, I'd been wise

Too thick the heat of those long summer evenings
For a cool evening I began to yearn
But you could only feed upon the things which feed a fire
Waiting to see if I would burn

Fare thee well, my bright star
It was a brief, brilliant, miracle dive
That which I looked up to, and I clung to for dear life
Had to burn itself up just to make itself alive

And I caught you then, in your moment of glory
Your last, dramatic scene against a night sky stage
With the memories so clear, that it's as if you're still before me
My once-in-a-lifetime, star of an age

So, fare thee well, my bright star
Last night the tongues of fire circled me around
And this strange season of pain will come to pass
When the healing hands of autumn cool me down

So.
Sunday. No more work for a few days. Woo.
Aunty Sue & Uncle Warren came down yesterday. It's A.S.'s b-day on Thurs., so we did the whole b-day thing. Cards, gifts, cake. Got to visit my canine cousin, too. Elliot is so cute. I took him for a walk and he got obsessed with trying to get to this bowl of cat food, left for the cat that lives nearby. I was like oh hell no. Damn dog is too strong. LoL But I won, so it was all good. Told dad about seeing Louise in the market, and how she said Olivia had back surgery. I told him I was like my tales of woe trump yours, bitch, back off. LoL But whatever. Fuck them all.
Back to school tomorrow. Yah-freaking-hoo...school bites the big one. I actually can't wati til the damn election day, just to have the day off. Fuckin A.
Gonna go be mindless on Neopets if you care to find me there LoL

"This post was brought to you by the letters 'B' and 'S', as in the subject line was BS...."

Hmm.
Life bites.
Trailer-Ayla is the bitch neighbor from Hell.
School is a pain in my ass.
I have no outlets. Creative outlets. Not electrical. Though I have only very few of those.
Betty's birdie has a name now. Her bird is named "B.B." as in "Betty's Bird." Chris said to her that if she didn't name her bird soon, we were just gonna call her B.B., short for Betty's Bird. Betty liked it. So B.B. it is. We now have Puffarella (Puffy), Flower, & B.B. Plus the 4 cats. And the frog.
I'm overtired as all Hell.
I'm also overstressed.
I may start taking ballroom dance lessons...gotta look into price/location/etc...
I'm reading Thoreau's Walden: or, Life in the Woods for Laurie's 19th c. AmLit class, and I've discovered I actually like the guy. That's the first author I can say that about so far. Woohoo.
Tired.
Need coffee.
Or sleep.
Coffee.
No, sleep.
Yes.
Sleep.
Goodnight.


*P.S. My title has absolutely nothing to do with this post. 'Cause I'm too sexy for this post...

How do you autosave nothing?? LoL

I had this screen open and another one on Myspace, & I was on Myspace for a bit, and came here and it says Autosaved draft at 2:00:13 PM LoL Autosaved a blank box...fun times.

So, I'm over tired. Again. Or, well, actually more like still. Christopher didn't go to school today, so thats one less trip I gotta make. Got about an hour before I gotta pick up Joshua, then come back here to wait for Deb's art class to end. Then we get to go home. Yay. I can practically hear that bed calling my name.

Have I mentioned the bed?? It's the bed this dude who used to live my parents gave Deb for free (along with a shitload of other stuff) It's this HUGE King size bed...it's so big I have to hoist my fat ass on to it. I ♥ this bed. So do the cats :)

Libby & Rita are doing awesome. The both come to me & to Deb now. Libby's first friend was Christopher though. She took a liking to him & marked him with her teeth and everything. It was so cute.

There are now three birds in my house. Puffarella, Puffy for short, is a cockatiel; Flower is Carrie's parakeet; the third is still namesless, but she's Betty's parakeet. Plus the 4 cats, and the frog. And seven humans. And a partridge in a pear tree.

I started wearing earrings again. If things go okay with having regular earrings in again, I'm probably going to stretch my ear holes. Chris got a shitload of very funky earrings...I forget what gauges he said they were. But they're cool.

Well, I have to go pee-pee on the potty like a big girl. I'll be back, sooner or later.
♥KL♥

kerri lynn's vanity plate:

ST8MENT

'What will your vanity plate say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

<td align="center">You are 40% normal





You not normal. In fact, you are a weirdo. Although you still have the potential to fool people into thinking you are normal. They will certainly be in for a rude awakening none the less.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 40% spiritual. 50% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

TANYA

Memories of childhood
‘Round the bed on bended knee
Asking blessings for monsters undeserving
From a mystical creature in the sky
Who couldn’t undo the sins
The monsters had already done

Monsters in the closet
Could never hold a candle
To the monsters
From whose blood she sprung forth
Make-believe children
Living in her attic
Giving birth to the voices
Of the demons in her mind

Expensive gifts, extravagant items
Buying the silence
Of the little girl trapped
In the body of a woman
Hateful words scarring her mind
Create hateful scars on her flesh
And hateful scars on her soul

One monster lies-
A pile of decay-
Far beneath the surface where
His lies, his wrongs go unrighted
One monster walks
Leaving trails of decay
Through the lives of her various victims
Like ripples from a stone
Carelessly tossed into the ocean
Spreading far and wide-
Yet leaving the monster untouched

Lives and families torn apart
War-torn, shell-shocked
By the battles within
Careless lies believed
For fear of facing the truth
Hypocrisy run amok
And the child-woman watches
As a monster’s threats become reality
As more of her life shatters
Like the glittering fragments she collects
To destroy the woman
The child has learned to despise

Crimson rivers on fields of flesh
Ripping open physically
To mask the wounds deeply hidden
In the mind, in the soul
In the shattered spirit
Of the broken child hell-bent on self-destructing
The shattered shell of the woman she hides inside

Seasons change, years go by
The promise of time healing all is lost
Darkened souls and hardened hearts
Broken lives and shattered dreams
Victims picking up the pieces
Of their battle-scarred pasts
Piecing them together
To form their fractured futures

And the child-woman waits
For a solace which can only be found
In the death of a monster who
Is living proof only good die young
And the child-woman struggles
Force-forgetting memories
Of puppets on the monster’s strings
Force-forgetting a family
Who force-forgot her first
And the child-woman tries
With all her might to force-forget
Those memories of childhood
‘Round the bed on bended knee.

©Kerri Lynn Costa 2006

When inspired, you can get enough ideas running through your head to keep you busy for hours. Your hobbies are sometimes a little different from other people's because you can't express yourself in the same ways everyone else does.

Our Potentially Ridiculous Hobby Suggestion For You: Playing Spoons Everybody's got spoons, so everybody can be a musician. Go you.

Your scores: Creative 27.4 Focused 26.71 Resourceful 26.68 Serious 26.5 Motivated 15.06

Raw evil score: 51.11%

92% Of The Internet Loves Me!

I am loved by 92% of the population, including: 36158 people who love fat people 55616 people who love poets 28111 people who love negative people In return, I love 80% of the population, including: 31173 negative people 7940 lesbians 82186 women

show the love at spacefem.com

you are darkredviolet #600B40

Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing. Your saturation level is high - you get into life and have a strong personality. Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you - either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you. You are very hard working and don't have much patience for people without your initiative. Your outlook on life is slightly darker than most people's. You try to see things for what they are and face situations honestly. You'd rather get to the point than look for what's good.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

CRIMSON TEARS
crimson tears
trapped inside by
the painful effervescence
of my fucked up mind

a sliver of silver salvation
deadly desperation
flailing fingers fighting to find--
an edge?
a ledge?

a sudden cry in the night--
crying for the grave?
crying to be saved?
heart pounding, open-mouthed
startled silence as i realize
the cry was mine

metallic tang invades my senses
as i feel its unwanted presence
and its scent fills my lungs
sudden rush as the pressure leaves
i welcome the emptiness

crimson tears
puddled around me
carelessly set free
by my own fucked up mind

© 2006 by Kerri Lynn Costa


Unnamed Poem #3


Rancid sunshine
Invading the darkness
In the dank, empty shell of my soul

Desolate madness
Maniacally laughing
Reminding me that I am not whole

Terrifying silence
Torturing my senses
With thought of what still waits to come

Anguished desperation
Leaving me frozen
To watch as my life comes undone

© 2006 by Kerri Lynn Costa

SILENCE

Always the quiet one
Content to sit and watch your twin claim the attention
Skittering around at my touch
Once the silent partner, still silent once alone
Yet the sound of your movement
Helped my shattered heart to mend


Golden silence has tarnished
Silence is a rusty knife
Being twisted in my heart
Twice your warmth and love
Repaired my soul
Renewed my spirit
Kept me whole


Now, you are gone
Never before have I heard
Such profound silence
Felt such utter emptiness
My life-beaten heart
Has once again shattered


Thank you for loving me
For drying my tears of loss
For picking up my shattered pieces
And putting me back together


I will always love you
I will always carry you with me
I will always feel your presence
In every silent moment in my life


© 2006 by Kerri Lynn Costa

.:In Loving Memory:.


Alto Harmony

December 28, 2002 - September 13, 2006


.:In Loving Memory:.


Mommy misses you already. You'll always be in my heart.

He wonders why I hate men so much. He should go take a really good look in the mirror. Fucking asshole.

I hate being angry. I do. Anger takes up too much energy, and it's a pointless waste of energy. But right now, I still just want to push him off the porch and see if he bounces on his empty head.




I hate men.
I can't abide them even now and then.
Then ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather,
For husbands are a boring lot that only give you bother.
Of course, I'm awful glad that mother dained to marry father,
Still, I hate men.

Of all the types I've ever met within our democracy,
I hate the most the athlete with his manner bold and brassy.
He may have hair upon his chesst, but sister, so has Lassie!
Oh, I hate men!

I hate men.
Their worth upon this earth I can not tend
Avoid the trav'ling salesman though a tempting Tom he maybe
From China he will bring you jade and perfume from Arabi
But don’t forget tis he who’ll have the fun and thee the baby
Oh I Hate men

If thou shouldst wed a business man, be wary, oh be wary:
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business neccesary.
The business is the business that he gives his secretary!
Oh, I hate men!

I hate men.
Though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
If you espouse an older man through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism.
Though you may call it love, the doctors call it rheumatism.
Oh, I hate men!

Welcome to the World

♥ AVA CLARA CAREY ♥

Born 09/01/06
6 lbs. 11 oz

So, after all my sleepless nights and tearfilled days of worry, turns out Robin is just another psycho bitch from planet Fuckhead. Apparently she's out in Missouri, with some flake she met online. Here's the transcript of an IM between the idiot she's with and a friend of Tanya's:

T's Friend: heyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Flakey Fuckhead: hey what's up?
T's Friend: hey you tell meeee!! are you
ok?
Flakey Fuckhead: yeah I'm kgood
Flakey Fuckhead: I went to Kansas for
a while
T's Friend: are you married now?
Flakey Fuckhead: nope
Flakey Fuckhead: I'm back in St. Louis
now
T's Friend: well everyone was rootin for
ya... but I was more concerned for your well being
Flakey Fuckhead: It's all good
Flakey Fuckhead: I'[m hanging out with
rhonda now and I brought Robin with me
Flakey Fuckhead: she 's from Rhode
Island
T's Friend: I know. has she contacted
opheliadrowns........ everyone was worried sick about
her what is up with that
Flakey Fuckhead: she was being treated
badly
T's Friend: I was told that robin is
mentally ill and that she needs medication and she has
a mind of a 14 year old.
T's Friend: ophelia was in tears for days.
T's Friend: so now I don't know who to
believe.
T's Friend: but if she's with you and she's
ok... I speak no more.
Flakey Fuckhead: she's been fine here
Flakey Fuckhead: she's super
intelligent about computers so I'm not sure what that
girl is talking about
T's Friend: she said she lived with her for
5 years plus... and that she has mental issues
Flakey Fuckhead: she seems fine to me
but then I'm not holdingt her down and forcing pills
down her throat or threatening to kill her all the
time
T's Friend: I don't know... I only know what
opelia told me... so I can't speculate... or make
judgements


So that marks the end of another apparently meaningless relationship. It's bad enough that our blood related family is full of fucking assholes who seem to enjoy fucking us over and tearing our hearts to shreads. But when the chosen family, people we willingly let into our lives, do the same thing it hurts even more. I loved Robin--she was my niece. She was family. Family is NOT supposed to do this shit. I thought I knew her. I thought she cared about us. I worried about her so many times. I would be on the phone with her while she was still in MD, and I knew--I fucking knew--that she was hurting herself somehow...I sat there like a sucker trying to talk her into getting some kind help while she cut herself on the other end of the line. I would hang up and just burst into tears because I was afraid she would end up dead. And this is how she treats me--treats us all.

I can't do this anymore. Caring so much about someone like her only winds up putting me into an unhealthy situation. It took me almost as long as I've been alive to realize that I have a heel of a lot of inner strength, more than I'd have ever expected to have. I will not--I repeat NOT--let my strength be knocked out from under me for someone who will only fuck me over in the end.

Robin, if by some chance you find this & read it, I can only hope that it's caused you even half the tears that you have cause me over the years. I'm sorry you felt the need to take off, and I don't hold that against you. If you are not happy, you have every right to try to find somewhere that will make you happy. What I can--and do--hold against you, however, is your choice to tell everyone how awfully we treated you, and that your life was threatened. By doing so, you've sunk to the same level as Alicia, though you claimed to hate her when she made the same bullshit claims as you did, almost verbotem. I hope you enjoy whatever it is you think this new life has to offer you. Judging from the sound of whom your staying with, I can only imagine the...adventures, shall we say, you'll find. When you discover that life in Missouri is about as wonderful as getting a lobotomy, where will you run to next? How long til you end up on the streets somewhere? Don't bother trying to cry to me, because I am no longer your crying towel. I can't do it anymore. And I just plain fucking WON'T do it anymore.

My one fear is that you will reach the same end that Britany did.

My one regret is for caring in the first place.